(BHOYS I WATCH THE FOOTBALL WITH. LAST NIGHT IN MY LOCAL)
OWEN: So, have you got any gigs comin up?
KEARA: Yes, a few things.
OWEN (TO J.P.) Have you seen her?
CHRIS: Is she funny?
J.P. (NODS APPROVINGLY)
RAYMOND: Aye, she’s no bad. Ah seen her once. She did a bit o stand up an then a mad auld lady character hing. It wiz quite funny.
CHRIS: So, when can we see you next?
KEARA: Well, I’ve got a gig on Saturday night, a new comedy cabaret show I’m hosting. I could sort tickets for you all.
OWEN: In Leith?
KEARA: Eh, no. In Edinburgh.
(THEY ALL STARE AT ME)
KEARA: And on Friday I’m on the radio doing another character.
OWEN: The radio?
RAYMOND: Aye, It’s a Podcast.
J.P. She’s on YouTube too.
KEARA: It’s radio. I’m on the radio on Friday.
CHRIS: Where can we see it?
KEARA: Just tune into the Janice Forsyth Culture Studio on Friday afternoon at 2.55 for five minutes. It’s a character thing I’m doing. It’s a wee series. It’s on over the next few Friday afternoons. Different characters every week.
(THEY ALL STARE AT ME)
RAYMOND: Friday efternoon?
KEARA: Or you can listen again on iPlayer.
CHRIS: Is that a podcast?
J.P. She’s on Vimeo too.
OWEN: Is it on your website?
KEARA: It’s on BBC Radio Scotland’s website.
OWEN: Radio Scotland?
KEARA: Yes. I’ll put a link up on my facebook page.
RAYMOND: Don’t put me oan facebook!
OWEN: He’s got an email.
RAYMOND: Nah. Ah goat rid o’ that an all. Load-a auld shite.
KEARA: I’ll text you.
RAYMOND: (TAKES OUT WHAT LOOKS LIKE A SMALL CHILD’S TOY PHONE) Ah canny open links oan this hing.
OWEN: He can’t even make a phone call on it.
RAYMOND: Aye, ah cin. If ah toap it up.
CHRIS: He never tops it up.
KEARA: I could write it down for you
RAYMOND: Aye, write it doon. Does embdy hae a pen?
J.P. (HANDS OVER A MINI-BOOKIE’s-PEN. KEARA WRITES DOWN THE DETAILS ON A GUINNESS BEER MAT AND HANDS IT OVER TO RAYMOND)
RAYMOND: (TAKES THE BEER MAT AND STARES AT IT)
CHRIS: (TO RAYMOND) Do you have a radio?
OWEN: So, when can we see you next?
KEARA: Well, I’ll see you all here on Sunday for the game.
OWEN: Aye, that’ll do.
My brand new character comedy monologue series, The Shark’s Mouth, is on again on Friday afternoon. 2.55pm, The Janice Forsyth Culture Studio, BBC Radio Scotland. Hear last week’s monologue here: The Shark’s Mouth
IT’S NOT A PODCAST