Ah, I have so many wonderful memories of V.D. down the years…

Picasso LoversPicasso – The Lovers

My favourite Valentine’s Day was in Hungary, where I lived with my lovely fiancé, who was a very romantic man but afraid of heights.  He took me out to this wonderful place on the Great Hungarian Plains then standing in a field of weeds, pointed to a row of couples leading up to a large wicker basket and said, “You are going up in a hot air balloon for your Valentine’s!” Yes, he did say YOU and not WE! 

As I floated up into the sky, a singleton in a cloud of couples, my darling fiancé waved at me from the ground like my Granddad.  I remember thinking, One day!  – One. Fine. Day! – this romance thing will kick-in like it does in the movies…

My first Valentine’s Card
came through the post.  It said, “Be my Valentime!” 

– Yes, ‘ValenTIME’!

The word was on the front of the card in BOLD RED PRINT! How could he have then misspelled it?!?

On the upside, the guy who worked behind The Chuck Wagon in The Grand Ole Opry (where I worked as a Barmaid) never looked me square in the eye again.

Let’s face it, Valentine’s Day never measures up to your expectations, so, instead of getting hung-up on creating ‘romance’, why not just spice things up a bit by reviving some ancient mating traditions:

1. Get him to run naked through the streets of your hometown with a thorny whip, spanking all the bare bottoms of all the local women.  He will enjoy it no end and none of these lassies will ever flirt with him again (Lupercalia).

2. If your Valentine calls up to your window brandishing a single red rose, just chuck a bucket of hot piss over him.  This ancient mating tradition of Gardy Loo was the modern forerunner to the romantic Golden Shower and is still widely practiced in parts of Scotland today. Mainly on Saturday nights in Edinburgh’s Grassmarket.

Men Modern versions of this tradition also include regurgitating kebab meat over the object of your affection before kissing him. Men really get off on that shit.

3. But they do get their own back on their wedding day, with a tradition known as Blackening the Bride.  This involves the male throwing all manner of debris – sour milk, moldy cabbage, rotten apple-core and hot tar – over the woman of his dreams ensuring that nothing he ever does during their long and arduous marriage will ever be as harrowing. And for that, she will be eternally grateful.

Alternatively, why not stay in with a carry out curry and a marathon run of Come Dine With Me and just slob about in your comfies. It really is very sexy. 

These are just some of my suggestions to help you to spice things up a bit. But you can try a few of your own. Feel free to share them with us. And, remember, whatever you are doing with your loved one today, don’t forget to bring…


The-Kiss-Rodin_2480287bRodin’s, The Kiss