(BHOYS I WATCH THE FOOTBALL WITH. LAST NIGHT IN MY LOCAL)

OWEN: So, have you got any gigs comin up?

KEARA: Yes, a few things.

OWEN (TO J.P.) Have you seen her?

J.P. Yes.

CHRIS: Is she funny?

J.P. (NODS APPROVINGLY)

RAYMOND: Aye, she’s no bad. Ah seen her once. She did a bit o stand up an then a mad auld lady character hing. It wiz quite funny.

CHRIS: So, when can we see you next?

KEARA: Well, I’ve got a gig on Saturday night, a new comedy cabaret show I’m hosting. I could sort tickets for you all.

OWEN: In Leith?

KEARA: Eh, no. In Edinburgh.

(THEY ALL STARE AT ME)

KEARA: And on Friday I’m on the radio doing another character.

OWEN: The radio?

RAYMOND: Aye, It’s a Podcast.

J.P. She’s on YouTube too.

KEARA: It’s radio. I’m on the radio on Friday.

CHRIS: Where can we see it?

KEARA: Just tune into the Janice Forsyth Culture Studio on Friday afternoon at 2.55 for five minutes. It’s a character thing I’m doing. It’s a wee series. It’s on over the next few Friday afternoons. Different characters every week.

(THEY ALL STARE AT ME)

RAYMOND: Friday efternoon?

OWEN: Culture?

KEARA: Or you can listen again on iPlayer.

CHRIS: Is that a podcast?

J.P. She’s on Vimeo too.

OWEN: Is it on your website?

KEARA: It’s on BBC Radio Scotland’s website.

OWEN: Radio Scotland?

KEARA: Yes. I’ll put a link up on my facebook page.

RAYMOND: Don’t put me oan facebook!

OWEN: He’s got an email.

RAYMOND: Nah. Ah goat rid o’ that an all. Load-a auld shite.

KEARA: I’ll text you.

RAYMOND: (TAKES OUT WHAT LOOKS LIKE A SMALL CHILD’S TOY PHONE) Ah canny open links oan this hing.

OWEN: He can’t even make a phone call on it.

RAYMOND: Aye, ah cin. If ah toap it up.

CHRIS: He never tops it up.

KEARA: I could write it down for you

RAYMOND: Aye, write it doon. Does embdy hae a pen?

J.P. (HANDS OVER A MINI-BOOKIE’s-PEN. KEARA WRITES DOWN THE DETAILS ON A GUINNESS BEER MAT AND HANDS IT OVER TO RAYMOND)

RAYMOND: (TAKES THE BEER MAT AND STARES AT IT)

CHRIS: (TO RAYMOND) Do you have a radio?

RAYMOND: Naw!

OWEN: So, when can we see you next?

KEARA: Well, I’ll see you all here on Sunday for the game.

ALL: (NODDING)

OWEN: Aye, that’ll do.

My brand new character comedy monologue series, The Shark’s Mouth, is on again on Friday afternoon. 2.55pm, The Janice Forsyth Culture Studio, BBC Radio Scotland.  Hear last week’s monologue here: The Shark’s Mouth

IT’S NOT A PODCAST