Posts tagged ‘Comedy Monologues’

Solitaire

Solitaire

I’m not really surprised when people still ask me why I’m still single. Still? They ask me like I’m sad. Like there’s something wrong with me. Like I must be lonely. Or like I’m not enjoying my life.

Keara Hanging by A Thread 2

Hanging by a Thread (Iceland)

I know they mean well – even mean it to be flattering! But the question always deflates me. Because, you see, I am enjoying my life! I’ve never been happier.  In fact, I’m having a ball!

Being single has some wonderful benefits like having the bathroom indulgently to yourself; never having to clean up after another human being – ever; finding all your precious things exactly where you left your precious things; reading long and late into the night with the light on without someone calling you a ‘selfish bitch’; having just a massive bag of popcorn for Sunday dinner in your pajamas whilst watching repeats of old 80s cop dramas and simultaneously leading a heated debate on facebook as to what was the best Cop Drama of the 80s (Cagney & Lacey, by the way!) without anyone calling you ‘a weirdo’; taking off on wild adventures and knowing that the only person who knows what you just did is you – and the stranger you just did it with; never waking up freezing on the hard floor having been accidentally elbowed in the eye and kicked over the edge of the bed by your attacker/beloved who is now a snoring sweaty creature lying diagonally across the bed cocooned in all the covers, smiling; never having to say, “Why did you throw out my vintage tweed skirt? It was not moth-eaten! It was vintage! Vintage! And it was mine!”; never having to ‘check in’ with another person when you’re out enjoying yourself – or working! – only to hear such classic lines as “Remember I have to get up in the morning” or “Remember you have to see your accountant at half past nine” or “Remember I’m bolting and chaining the door from the inside at 2300 hrs precisely and I’m going to pretend I did it accidentally.”

The joys!

All this, and getting to look around for a possible mate/companion/special friend/boyfriend/buddy/nutter/dog/goldfish/mercat/shag-pile-rug at your leisure without the feeling that life is all sewn up or that you’re living someone else’s life or that somehow you never get time to yourself.

Time.
“Time is running out” they say.
Tick-tock! Time.
“Time is running out!” you think.
Tick-tock!
Time.

Time does not run out.
Time is timeless.
“Time makes lovers feel
that they got somethin’ real” (Boy George).

Time is on your side.
Especially when you’re single.

Being single means that you have all the time in the world to indulge in all your passions freely. You get time to build your career without having to consider another person. You can spend hours and hours raking through the racks in that lovely vintage boutique on Cockburn Street without your Significant Other saying, “Should you be wearing that?” or “Can we afford this?” Or “Never mind, I’ll throw it in the charity bag when you’re not looking.”

So, being single is incredibly exciting, at times. And, of course, at times, it is truly, truly shit.

Keara onstage at Cabaret Club

Hosting my Comedy, Cocktail & Cabaret Club

 

The worst thing about being single – apart from always being asked “Why are you still single?” by men who think you’re ‘going to waste’ or couples who’d like to invite you to their dinner party without unbalancing their seating plan or your mother who wants more grandchildren (Mum, I’m fort… in my late thirties, that ship has sailed!) – is being on the dating scene (yes, it’s a bloody ‘scene’) with all its emotional ups and downs.

I wrote an article on my personal experience of ‘dating’ last year which was published in The Skinny in the run-up to my Glasgow Comedy Festival show, Flypaper For Freaks. Since I wrote that article I have dated a few more freaks, but not much else has changed. I’m just a little further down the less travelled road.

However, at this minute in my life, I have never been happier. Being single is my current lifestyle choice. I have so many wonderful friends; a large, loving, ever-expanding family; a healthy body and mind; an incredible social life; an amazing career doing what I’ve always dreamed of doing; and a beautiful home filled with astonishing crockery.

Not too shabby!

So, just in case you missed it: I’m fine, thanks.  I’m really, really fine.

Here’s the article from last year – still as relevant now, if not more so: Flypaper For Freaks, by Keara Murphy

More tales of being single and being out on the ‘dating scene’ can be heard through my characters’ voices broadcast on BBC Radio Scotland.

All episodes can be heard here: The Shark’s Mouth

Tune in and raise a glass to all the single lassies. 

Enjoy!

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Is That a Podcast?

(BHOYS I WATCH THE FOOTBALL WITH. LAST NIGHT IN MY LOCAL)

OWEN: So, have you got any gigs comin up?

KEARA: Yes, a few things.

OWEN (TO J.P.) Have you seen her?

J.P. Yes.

CHRIS: Is she funny?

J.P. (NODS APPROVINGLY)

RAYMOND: Aye, she’s no bad. Ah seen her once. She did a bit o stand up an then a mad auld lady character hing. It wiz quite funny.

CHRIS: So, when can we see you next?

KEARA: Well, I’ve got a gig on Saturday night, a new comedy cabaret show I’m hosting. I could sort tickets for you all.

OWEN: In Leith?

KEARA: Eh, no. In Edinburgh.

(THEY ALL STARE AT ME)

KEARA: And on Friday I’m on the radio doing another character.

OWEN: The radio?

RAYMOND: Aye, It’s a Podcast.

J.P. She’s on YouTube too.

KEARA: It’s radio. I’m on the radio on Friday.

CHRIS: Where can we see it?

KEARA: Just tune into the Janice Forsyth Culture Studio on Friday afternoon at 2.55 for five minutes. It’s a character thing I’m doing. It’s a wee series. It’s on over the next few Friday afternoons. Different characters every week.

(THEY ALL STARE AT ME)

RAYMOND: Friday efternoon?

OWEN: Culture?

KEARA: Or you can listen again on iPlayer.

CHRIS: Is that a podcast?

J.P. She’s on Vimeo too.

OWEN: Is it on your website?

KEARA: It’s on BBC Radio Scotland’s website.

OWEN: Radio Scotland?

KEARA: Yes. I’ll put a link up on my facebook page.

RAYMOND: Don’t put me oan facebook!

OWEN: He’s got an email.

RAYMOND: Nah. Ah goat rid o’ that an all. Load-a auld shite.

KEARA: I’ll text you.

RAYMOND: (TAKES OUT WHAT LOOKS LIKE A SMALL CHILD’S TOY PHONE) Ah canny open links oan this hing.

OWEN: He can’t even make a phone call on it.

RAYMOND: Aye, ah cin. If ah toap it up.

CHRIS: He never tops it up.

KEARA: I could write it down for you

RAYMOND: Aye, write it doon. Does embdy hae a pen?

J.P. (HANDS OVER A MINI-BOOKIE’s-PEN. KEARA WRITES DOWN THE DETAILS ON A GUINNESS BEER MAT AND HANDS IT OVER TO RAYMOND)

RAYMOND: (TAKES THE BEER MAT AND STARES AT IT)

CHRIS: (TO RAYMOND) Do you have a radio?

RAYMOND: Naw!

OWEN: So, when can we see you next?

KEARA: Well, I’ll see you all here on Sunday for the game.

ALL: (NODDING)

OWEN: Aye, that’ll do.

My brand new character comedy monologue series, The Shark’s Mouth, is on again on Friday afternoon. 2.55pm, The Janice Forsyth Culture Studio, BBC Radio Scotland.  Hear last week’s monologue here: The Shark’s Mouth

IT’S NOT A PODCAST

The Shark’s Mouth

All of my life, I’ve walked alone in search of a star. These are my stars, they’re the ones I’ve waited for… the ones I’ve waited for… lalalalalalala etc…

Proudly announcing the first in a four part mini-series of my brand new comedy monologues. They are my cute wee babies. I love them all! I LOVE them all!!! And I love you too.

I must say you’re looking really hot today. Have you been working out? And your hair! What’s going down with that? And, are they all your own teeth? They really are a marvellous fit. In fact, you are positively glowing! Are you in love? Or pregnant? Or about to do a crime? Or are you just a real smashing natural beaut?

Anyway, you are beautiful. I love you! I really do. And I hope you love me too. Awkward if not, but I’ll take it on the chin. But, we all love babies, don’t we? Wee cute babies. Diddums!! Well, these are my babies. I love them all and I hope you love them too.

Today, my first incarnation, Grainne O’Grady, introduces the theme for the series: single women looking for love. There is also a lovely cameo appearance by Mammy O’Grady (voice based on my beautiful dead Granny, who, had she lived, would be 120 years old TODAY!!!). Thank you, Granny, for your voice, which lives on inside me.

RIP Granny. Long live The Shark’s Mouth

Tune in here at 2.55pm (duration: 5mins)
The Shark’s Mouth

Thank you Gus Beattie, everyone at The Comedy Unit, everyone at The Culture Studio (especially Zoe & Amy), Janice Forsyth, BBC Radio Scotland. Oh, and, em Jeff Zycinski… and my Mammy and my Granny (two of the funniest women I know).

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