Posts tagged ‘Comedy’

Introducing Mistress MacKenzie

Good morning, Stalkers!

I know it’s 20.49 on a Sunday evening. But it’s Saturday morning in Strathbungle – a region which lies between the upper-lowland-mid-Highlands and the inner estuary of my head.

Mistress MacKenzie's Cottage

Mistress MacKenzie lives there in The Midgie View Guest Hoose – in the village of Glenclootie (Valley of The Devil) – where she runs a small croft and broadcasts school lessons for the children of the isolated communities from her garden shed studio. On no account should you ever let your children listen to these lessons unless you approve of Hoodoo.

She is very lonely so is looking for new stalkers. And a new husband. On no account should you snog her as she has Gingivitis.

Drop her a wee tweep (Scots for Tweet) @MistressMacKenzie using the hash tag #AskMistress and she will knit you a cardigan in your favourite colours. On no account should you wear it as she uses a mix of freshly slaughtered lambs’ wool and 1960s recycled asbestos.

Here’s a picture of her with her flying squirrel, Archie. You can also ask Archie anything you like about life as a flying squirrel using the hash tag #AskArchie. No animals were harmed in the making of this fictional Squirrel.

Mistress MacKenzie and Archie

She also has an advice column in The Strathbungle Chronicle so you can send her a wee letter to Mistress MacKenzie, The Gairden Shed Studio, Glenclootie Fairm, Glenclootie Village, Strathbungle, Scotland, The Worild and she will respond in kind and help you get the best out of your Bannock and give you some #HandyHints as to where you can #HideYourHusbandsBody.

You can also listen to a flavour of her real proper wireless radio show here: Mistress MacKenzie on The Shark’s Mouth

Colin McCredie in the Art Gallery

Colin McCredie

And for the more adventurous, come and see her LIVE at The Tron Theatre, 63 Trongate, Glasgow, G1 5HB, on the 3rd December 2015 at 8.30pm.

This will be a LIVE READING of the BBC Radio Scotland show, Mistress MacKenzie and Friends, which was produced by Gus Beattie for The Comedy Unit.

Mistress Mac will be joined by very special guest star, Colin McCredie, from off of that there Taggart, River City, Shallow Grave and is also Tig’s Daddy, in CBeebies Wooly and Tig – AND all the male voices in the BBC Radio Scotland’s broadcast of Mistress MacKenzie and Friends.
Tickets will be available from The Tron Theatre Tickets For Live Reading

Thanking you!

Mistress Mac's Shed Outiside View

The Gairden Shed Studio

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Crrrrrrrrrrrringe Central!!! – Fringe advice for new acts…

Auntie Keara’s TOP FIVE TIPS for New Acts Performing at The Edinburgh Fringe for the Very First Time…

Do not…

1. Tell me how many gigs you’ve done. Yaaaaaaaaaaaawn!!!! I don’t care. Just do them. Record yourself. Listen back to it. Be hard on yourself. And get advice from someone who knows. Discard the tape and do it again. And Again. And again. And again. And again. Forever. And ever. And E-V-E-R! Again.

If you MUST count something, make it the LPMs (If you don’t know what that is, find the fuck out).

Male comedian being pelted with food

Clip Art © Ron Leishman

2. Selfie-Pap yourself with a celeb comic – especially in a VIP bar – it makes you look amateur and performers come to those bars to get away from that stuff. Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrringe!!! Why don’t you ask them for some tips instead? Old hands love to pass down their experience. And it’s a far better use of their time. And you might actually learn something. 🙂

3. Stop saying it’s the “Fringe-Festival” – it’s not.  – Unless you are doing ‘The Free Edinburgh Fringe Festival’ it’s actually called The Edinburgh Festival Fringe – or The Fringe – ie; on the Fringe of the Festival – yes, we know we’ve taken over! Result!!  But know your history: Edinburgh Festival Fringe

Female comedian starting out

Clip Art © Ron Leishman

4. Don’t perform drunk. You’re slurring your words and we cannot hear what you are saying. That’s why the joke didn’t work. Well, that’s one reason, anyway. Drink strangles your performance, it does not enhance it. Do some yoga for your nerves and maybe some affirmations. Or just ten long slow deep breaths. Meditation. Hug a bear. Drink water. And more water. No ice. Eat vegetables and fish and bananas. These things produce far better results than the demon drink. Get shitfaced after the show if you must (bearing in mind you have to do it all again tomorrow and are making it harder for yourself every day by the endless, compounded hangovers – still, it’s your funeral).

But, NEVER drink before a gig! Okay?

5. A Fringe audience is an International audience. Don’t blame them for not knowing your colloquialism. Adapt. If you cannot adapt your act to a wider audience, give up. Go join a band or something. Or take up hill-walking. The mountain people don’t listen to you anyway.

If you can perform to an EdFringe audience (of any size) and make them laugh, you can perform anywhere. I know, because I have done it. I have made all of these mistakes myself.  I have performed, ran shows and hosted stand up all over the world for over 15 years. I have done ten one-women shows at The Edinburgh Fringe and a range of other festivals. I have done two compilation shows over and above that, ran multiple-act bills for professionals and some for new acts, and have done many, many other guest spots all over the shop  – no, I NEVER counted how many!!!  But let me count the shows: 12 Fringes in a billed show – 15 as a performer.

I am not in a show this year because I am writing my first character-based sketch show for for BBC Radio Scotland, Mistress MacKenzie and Friends, which will be on the airwaves later this year. These characters all started their lives in makeshift rooms at The Edinburgh Festival Fringe. I would not now be doing my own radio show without first having done those tough shows at The Fringe.

So remember, when the going gets tough, think of the wider picture. Present pain for future gain, etc.

And if you need a wee cheerie up – which you WILL need – please come and say hello to Mistress MacKenzie before she is too famous to respond.  You can ask her anything, using the hashtag #AskMistress

– She’s THE ONE: Meet Mistress MacKenzie

See you amid the madness, children, and you can ask ME anything in person. And I will even let you have a wee pic with me (As long as the light is low and I have reapplied my lippy and there is nice furniture involved). What do you mean you don’t want your picture with me?!!! The cheek!!!

Enjoy!

😉 X

Remembering The Bawbag

A year on from Hurricane Bawbag, Keara looks back with fond memories of the day Scotland was overtaken by a mid-latitude storm and reacted by pissing itself laughing…

Firstly a bit of background: Hurricane Bawbag is the colloquial name given to an intense mid-latitude storm, officially named Friedhelm, which brought hurricane-force winds to Scotland at the beginning of December 2011.  On 8 December, winds reached up to 165 mph (265 km/h) at elevated areas, with sustained wind speeds of up to 80 mph (135 km/h) reported across populous areas. The winds uprooted trees and resulted in the closure of many roads, bridges, schools and businesses. Overall, the storm was the worst to affect Scotland in 10 years.

The official title of the cyclone is Friedhelm, as named by the Free University of Berlin, which is responsible for the naming of low-pressure systems affecting Europe. In Scotland, the storm was dubbed Hurricane Bawbag, the term “Bawbag” being a Scots word for “Scrotum”.

The name sparked a trending topic on Twitter, which became one of the top trending hashtags worldwide.

Rob Gibson, the Convener of the Scottish Parliamentary Environment Committee, was the first politician to use the term on national television. 

And it was absolutely hilarious!

HurricaneBawbag caused untold damage:

  • Donald lost his troosers
  • Many were woken well before their giro arrived
  • Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish costas were damaged.
  • Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
  • The cone fell off the head of the statue outside Glasgow’s Modern Art Gallery.
  • Thousands were confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Scotland
  • One resident, Pocahontis McGlinchy, a 17 year old mother-of-three said “Ah wiz like ‘Whit’s that? Ah canny hear ma choonz innat man Wee Beyonce came running into my bedroom pure howlin so she wiz. My youngest two, Brooklyn an Blackpool slept through it. I was still pure rattlin when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning.”
  • Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal
  • The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Buckfast to the area to help the stricken masses.
  • Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos
  • Edinburgh spent all day rolling the wheely bins back to Glasgow
  • #BawBags trended No1 Worldwide on twitter – ranked two above the lamer #ScotStorm
  • Scots prayed for more hurricanes so they could create more comedy material
  • Scots – for the first time in history – were happy
  • Hurricane Bawbag was eventually downgraded to a Category4Nutsack.

Glasgow Comedy Festival 2013

My new show, Keara Murphy: Mice & Men, will debut at Glasgow Comedy Festival 2013 on 14th March… Tickets Here: http://glasgowcomedyfestival.com/shows/#!/shows/425

Keara Murphy: Mice & Men
Whilst preparing her annual Burns Supper speech, a wee mousie popped its head out from under Keara’s couch to ask, politely, if he could share her rice.  After a courteous conversation involving a hammer, Keara pondered the line in Robert Burns’, To A Mouse: “A daimen icker in a thrave’s a sma’ request”.  Should Keara grant the mousie’s request or lay down fifty shades of warfarin for the wee blighter?  If we continue to treat mice ‘humanely’ will they eventually take over the telly?  – It’s already happened in Leith!

And, what of men?  Are they not just gigantic mice?  After extensive on-the-job research, Keara thinks this may be so.  Therefore, like Rabbie Burns before her, Keara muses the parallels between the species and laments. 

“She’s Eddie Izzard with less make-up and more Glasgow” List”
“Exudes Glaswegian charm.” Scotsman
“Intelligent Burns banter” Friday Fix
“Passionate, enthusiastic and deeply knowledgeable about Robert Burns” SLTA

It’s gonna be good, it’s gonna be truthful, it’s gonna be funny, it’s gonna be beautiful, it’s gonna lose me friends and alienate people, it’s gonna be fun!

Come!

Flypaper for Freaks

An article I wrote about some dodgy dates I’ve been on recently; published here in this month’s Skinny: http://www.theskinny.co.uk/comedy/features/301206-keara_patricia_murphy_flypaper_for_freaks 

“BILL HICKS said, “It’s hard to have a relationship in this business. It’s gonna take a very special woman. Or a bunch of average ones.”  But what of a woman on the road? Well, when asked if I am seeing anyone ‘special’ I like to say, “Nope. Just a bunch of un-special ones.”  READ MORE ON THIS IN THE SKINNY ARTICLE ABOVE

TOP 10 MUST SEE SHOWS AT THE FESTIVAL 🙂

http://www.theskinny.co.uk/comedy/glasgow_comedy_festival_2012/301227-10_shows_you_must_see_the_glasgow_comedy_festival 
She’s dated all kind of weirdos for your entertainment
Bernard O’Leary, Skinny

For more information about the new show see the page on FREAKS http://kearapatriciamurphy.com/shows/  and BOOK TICKETS HERE: http://www.glasgowcomedyfestival.com/shows/309

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